Musical Instrument Jokes Galore

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BrassTop

     Baritones

How do you call a baritone player? Euphonium.

French Horns

How many French horn players does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.

How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn? Stick your hand in the bell and play lots of wrong notes.

Why is playing an French horn solo like wetting your pants? Both give you a warm feeling, but no one else cares.

Why is the French horn the most divine instrument? Man blows into it, but God only knows what comes out.

Conductor: "Back to bar one." French hornist, "My part doesn't have numbers."

A girl went out on a date with a trumpet player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was it? Did his embouchure make him a great kisser?" "Nah", the first girl replied. "That dry, tight, tiny little pucker; it was no fun at all." The next night she went out with a tuba player, and on her return the roommate asked the same question. "Ugh!", the girl exclaimed, "Those huge, rubbery, blubbery, slobbering slabs of meat; oh it was just gross!". The next night she went out with a French Horn player. "How was this one?" asked the roommate. "Well", the girl replied, "his kissing was just so-so; but I loved the way he held me!"

Trombones

How do you make a french horn sound like a trombone? Take your hand out of the bell and lose all sense of taste.

What's the definition of a gentleman? Someone who knows how to play the trombone and doesn't.

Trombone: a slide whistle with delusions of grandeur.

What did Captain Picard say when he entered a jazz club and saw a trombonist on stage? "Computer: End program!"

What do 4 trombones sound like at the bottom of the sea? A good idea!

How do you know if there's a trombonist at your door? The doorbell drags

How can you tell that a kid on a playground is a trombonist's kid? He can't swing and he complains about the slide.

How many trombone players does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but he'll spend half an hour trying to figure out what position he needs to be in.

Trumpet players do it with 3 fingers. Tuba players do it with 4 fingers. But trombonists do it in 7 positions.

Why is a dead snake in the road more tragic than a dead trombonist in the road? The snake may have been on the way to a recording session.

How can you tell that a kid on a playground is a trombonist's kid? He can't swing and he complains about the slide.

What does a trombonist say at his night job? "Would you like fries with that burger?"

Someone asks a trombonist: "What's the subdominant of F major?" The trombonist is confused: "What??? I thought F major was the subdominant!"

How many bass trombonists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but he'll do it too loudly.

What is the difference between a bass trombone and a chain saw? It's easier to improvise on the chain saw.

There's this guy who has been stranded on a deserted island, all alone for 10 years. One day he sees a speck on the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship."  The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes a gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?", "Ten years!" he says. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, Man, oh man! Is that good! Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a nice cold beer?" He replies, "Oh, God, it's been at least 10 years!" She reaches over, unzips the waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a dry ice pack from around an ice cold beer, hands it to him and watches as he take a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!" Then she starts unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?" ,the man replies, "Good God, woman!, don't tell me you've got a Trombone in there!".

Trumpets

What do lead trumpet players use for birth control? Their personality.

How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb? 5, one to change it and 4 to tell him how much better they could do it.

How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb? Four. One to do it and three to stand around and brag about how much better they could have done it.

How do you get a trumpet player to play fff? Write mp on the part.

What's the secret trumpet handshake? Shake hands and say "Hi! I'm better than you."

What´s the difference between a free jazz trumpet player and a terrorist? The terrorist has sympathizers.

How are trumpets like pirates? They are both murder on the high C's.

Three famous trumpet players are up in a airplane. One of them says, "I'll throw out a 100 dollar bill and make someone very happy." The one next to him says, "I'll throw out two 50 dollar bills, and make two people very happy." The other one said, "I'll throw five 20's out the door, and make five people happy." The pilot, who was their conductor, said, "Why don't you all three jump, and make the whole band very happy?"

Why did the trumpet player play a loud, blaring jazz solo during a slow, soft symphonic movement? Because the part was marked tacit, and he thought it said "Take it!"

What´s the difference between a free jazz trumpet player and a terrorist? The terrorist has sympathizers.

What is the difference between a trumpet player and the rear end of a horse? I don't know either.

Why can't a gorilla play trumpet? He's too sensitive.

Tubas

What is the range of a tuba? Twenty yards, if you've got a good arm.

What's a tuba for? 13/4" x 33/4".

How many tuba players does it take to change a lightbulb? Five: One to hold the bulb, one to hold the lamp and three to drink until the room spins.

Why would a tuba player get fired from any office job? He's a low character, below the staff, and he spends too much time resting.

Two tuba players walk past a bar. Hey, it could happen!!

How do you fix a broken tuba? With a tuba glue.

Tuba player: "Did you hear my last recital?" Friend: "I hope so."

An out-of-work conductor got a job as a hit-man. He got an assignment for a kill and was driving down the road when he saw his target on one side of the road and a tuba player on the other side of the road. Who did he kill first and why? The target - business before pleasure.

xHow many tuba players does it take to change a lightbulb? - Ten. One to change it, and nine to congratulate him down at the pub afterwards.  

Strings Top

The composition of a string quartet: 1 good violinist, 1 bad violinist, 1 really bad violinist who became a violist, 1 cellist who hates all violinists - all getting together to complain about composers.

String players' motto: It's better to be sharp than out of tune.

Cellos

Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes? So you don't have to retrain the cellists.

How do you get a cellist to play fortissimo? Write 'pp, espressivo'.

What's the difference between a cello and a coffin. The coffin has the corpse on the inside.

A female cellist stayed first chair because she kept her scherzo short.

How do you make a cello sound beautiful? Sell it and buy a violin.

Double Bass

Why is a string bass better than a cello? 1. The string bass holds more beer. 2. The string bass burns longer.

Why did the string bass player get angry at the timpanist? Because the timpanist turned a peg and wouldn't tell him which one.

How do you make a double bass sound in-tune? Chop it up and make it into a xylophone.

Did you hear about the bassist who was so out of tune that his section noticed?

Two bass players were engaged for a run of Carmen. After a couple of weeks they agreed to take an afternoon off in turn to go and watch the performance from the front of house. Joe took his break. Back in the pit that evening Moe asked how it was. "Great!", says Joe, "You know that bit where the music goes 'BOOM Boom Boom Boom' - well there are some guys up top singing a terrific song about a Toreador at the same time".

A double bass player arrived a few minutes late for the first rehearsal of the local choral society's annual performance of Handel's Messiah. He picked up his instrument and bow, and turned his attention to the conductor. The conductor asked, "Would you like a moment to tune?" The bass player replied with some surprise, "Why? Isn't it the same as last year?"

Guitars

How do you get a guitar player to play softer? Give him a sheet of music. How do you make him stop playing? Put notes on it!

What do you call two guitarists playing in unison? Counterpoint.

What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common? When you plug them in, they suck.

What is the difference between a guitarist and a Savings Bond? Eventually a Savings Bond will mature and earn money!

What's the definition of counterpoint? Two guitar players reading the same chart.

Three guitarists collaborated on a book of scales. Each contributed the one he knew.

How many guitar players does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Six: one to screw it in, and five to say "I can do that!"

What is a hooker's favorite instrument? A guitar -- the G string is thinner.

What are the two most frequent heavy metal guitarist lies? 1. I am not too loud! 2. I have already turned it down!

How many lead guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb? None - they just steal someone else's light.

What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on? He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.

Harps

A harp is a nude piano.

A Celtic harpist spends half her time tuning her harp, and the other half playing it out of tune.

What is the definition of a quarter tone? A harpist tuning unison strings.

How long does a harp stay in tune? About 20 minutes...or until someone opens a door.

Why are harps like elderly parents? They're both unforgiving and hard to get in and out of cars.

Violas

What is the difference between a viola and a trampoline? You take off your shoes before you jump on the trampoline.

What is the difference between a dog and a viola? The dog knows when to stop scratching.

Why do so many people take an instant dislike to the viola? It saves time.

What is the definition of perfect pitch? When you get the viola into the toilet without hitting the sides.

What is the definition of a major seventh? A violist playing octaves.

What is the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section? A semi-tone.

When a 16-inch viola and a 17-inch viola are dropped simultaneously from a 30-story building, which one hits the pavement first? It doesn't matter.

What is the difference between a violin and a viola? A viola burns longer.

What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common? Everyone is happy when the case is closed.

How do you keep your violin from getting stolen? Put it in a viola case.

What is the difference between a violist and a terrorist? Terrorists have sympathizers.

Why are violas larger than violins? They're not. The violist's head is smaller.

How do you make a violist play vibrato? Write a whole note and put "SOLO" over it.

How can you tell when a violist is playing out of tune? The bow is moving.

How do you make a violin sound like a viola? Sit in the back and don't play.

Why are violin jokes so short? So violists can understand them.

A violinist and a violist fall off a tall building. Who hits the ground first? The violinist; the violist stops to ask directions.

What are the requirements for the 2nd round of the International Viola competition? Holding the viola by memory.

What's the difference between a violist and a dog? The dog knows when to stop scratching.

How many violists does it take to tile a kitchen? Just one but you must slice him very thin.

Why are violas larger than violins? They're not. The violist's head is smaller.

What does a viola player use for birth control? Her personality.

One day, the conductor of a no-name orchestra got seriously ill, so they pulled the second to last viola player to conduct for him. Everything went off without a hitch, and the orchestra sounded great! So, for the upcoming concert, they fired their old conductor and let the viola player do it. It was great! They got rave reviews, went on numerous tours all over the world, and became the most famous orchestra in history. Then one day, the viola player told the concertmaster that he would like to go back and play, and could they hire a new conductor. So, the viola player went back to his seat, where his stand partner quickly asked, "Oh, and where have YOU been?"

Once there was a viola player who was second chair in the Winnepeg Symphony. He met a genie, who promised him three wishes. For his first wish he asked to be a better musician, and he became first chair. For his second wish, he asked to be an even better musician, and he became first viola in the Berlin Symphony. For his third wish, he wished to be an even better musician, and he ended up playing second violin in the Winnipeg Symphony.

Johnny comes home from school, and says to his mom, "Mommy, I learned the alphabet today! The rest of the class messed up around F, but I made it all the way through!" Johnny's mom says, "Very good, son. That's because you're a violist." Johnny comes home the next day and screams, "Mommy, Mommy, I counted to a hundred today! Everyone else couldn't get past 60, but I made it all the way to 100!" And his mom says, "Excellent. That's because you're a violist." The next day, Johnny comes home and says, "Mommy, the teacher measured everyone's height in class today, and I was taller than everyone. Is that 'cause I'm a violist?" His mom shakes her head and says, "No, honey; that's because you're twenty-six."

Maestro (to horns) - "Give me the F in tune!" Violist (to Maestro) - "Please can we have the F-in' tune too?"

When "Oetzi," the famous glacier-mummy, was found in the Alps, archaeologists and anthropologists were mystified by the riddle of "Oetzi's" nature, the chief question being: "How did he get under the ice-fields?" Thanks to a joint venture operation by leading music-anthropologists the mystery has found its solution: "Oetzi" must have been a violist. How else could the glacier have caught up with him?

In order to save money, the musicians decided to build their Union Hall themselves. As they proceeded to do the job, gradually the hierarchy of the musicians was reflected in the jobs that they did. The violists found themselves at the bottom of a ditch doing the nastiest of the digging. Above them, supervising, was a trumpet player. One violist turned to another and asked, "How come we're working down here and he's working up there? "The other responded, "I don't know, but I'll go up there and ask." The violist crawled up to the top of the ditch. "Why are we down there digging while you're up here supervising?" the violist asked the trumpeter. "Because I'm smarter than you," was the reply. "Huh, I don't understand," the confused violist said. "Allow me to demonstrate," said the trumpeter. He walked up to the nearest tree, put out his open hand in front of the tree and said to the violist, "Hit my hand!" The violist reared back with his fist and shot a punch at the trumpeter's open hand. At the last instant, the trumpeter moved his hand out of the way so that the violist's fist went slamming into the tree. "OW!," cried the violist, "I see what you mean." He then returned to the ditch and his friend waiting below. "Well," said the other violist, "did you find out why he's up there and we're down here?" "Yes," said the violist, whose hand was still throbbing, "it's because he's smarter than us." "I don't understand," said his friend. "Let me explain it to you," said the violist. He then took his open hand and placed it in front of his own face. "Now," he said, "hit my hand with your shovel!"

A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of violists. They called down to ground control with their list of demands and added that if their demands weren't met, they would release one violist every hour.

A violist and a percussionist were walking in a park. The percussionist saw a dead crow and said to the violist, "Look, a dead crow." The violist looked up and asked, "Where?"

The Viola Players Golden Rules For Ensamble Playing:

    1. Before starting to play, you should tune carfully, from then on, it is alright to play out of tun all evening.
    2. If you do not succeed in tunning to the correct pitch, it isn't your fault, it is due to your insturments timbre
    3. You should all play the same pice (remember what happened last time?)
    4. Keep Calm, its always the others who have the melody and solo parts.
    5. If you make a mistake, cast a disproving look at one of the other players.
    6. Stop at every repeat, proceed to discuss at length wether or not to continue.
    7. Turn you pages with care, the fourth page seldome works as a continuation of the first.
    8. If you loose time turning your page, play fast all the way through to catch up, be sure you do this loudly so they can know to slow down.
    9. If all the other players are wrong, and you alone are right... try to play wrong as well.
    10. If you rush the eigth notes and slow down on the long ones you will usualy come out about right.
    11. If you miscounted and have lost your place beyond all hope, boldly announce that you think the others should stop and re-tune.
    12. Annotations like #, b, p, f, cresc, decresc, as well as any dots, lines, hashes, or slurs above, below, after, or before are of no consiquence, durring preformance they are often altered, redone, or skipped. In addition, they are mearly extras thrown in by the editor to screw you up.
    13. When all the other players are done playing, you should refrain from playing what you have left.

Entry Exam For The BBC Symphony Orchestra -- Viola Players

The pass mark is 10% but be careful -- over 45% correct and you are overqualified.

1. Who wrote the following:
a) Beethoven's Symphony No. 6
b) Fauré's Requiem
c) Wagner's Ring Cycle
[5 pts.]

2. Tschaikovsky wrote 6 symphonies including Symphony no. 4. Name the other five.
[5 pts.]

3. Explain "counterpoint" or write your name on the reverse of the paper.
[10 pts.]

4. Which of the following would you tuck under you chin?
a) a timpani
b) an organ
c) a 'cello
d) a viola
[1 pt.]

5. Can you explain "sonata form"? (Answer yes or no.)
[5 pts.]

6. Which of the following literary works was made the subject of a Verdi opera?
a) First among Equals -- Jeffrey Archer
b) Macbeth -- William Shakespeare
c) Noddy and Big Ears -- Enid Blyton
[5 pts.]

7. Domenico Scarlatti wrote 555 harpsichord sonatas for which instrument?
[5 pts.]

8. Arrange the following movements in order of speed, starting with the slowest first.
a) Quickly
b) Slowly
c) Very Quickly
d) At a Moderate Pace
[4 pts.]

9. Where would you normally expect to find the conductor during a performance?
[5 pts.]

10. Which of the following wrote incidental music to A Midsummer Night's Dream?
a) Des O'Connor
b) Mickey Mouse
c) Felix Mendelssohn Bartholdy
d) Terry Wogan
[5 pts.]

11. Which of the following is the odd one out?
a) Sir Colin Davis
b) Andrew Davis
c) Sir Peter Maxwell Davies
d) Desmond Lynham
[5 pts.]

12. Arrange the following words into the name of a well known Puccini opera.
Bohème, La
[5 pts.]

13. Within five minutes, how long is Chopin's Minute Waltz?
[5 pts.]

14. From which of the following countries did Richard Strauss come?
a) Venezuela
b) Sri Lanka
c) Germany
d) Japan
[5 pts.]

15. For what town were Haydn's "Paris" Symphonies written?
[5 pts.]

16. Which is the odd one out?
a) Fantasy Overture Romeo and Juliet -- Tchaikovsky
b) Romeo and Juliet -- Berlioz
c) Romeo and Juliet Ballet -- Prokofiev
d) Ten Green Bottles -- anon.
[5 pts.]

17. From which song do the following lines come?
"God save our gracious Queen, Long live our noble Queen."
[5 pts.]

18. Spell the following musical terms.
allegro
rallentando
crotchet
pizzicato
intermezzo
[5 pts.]

19. Tosca is a character found in which Puccini opera?
[5 pts.]

20. Arrange the following letters to form the abbreviation for a well known British broadcasting corporation.
C, B, B.
[5 pts.]

Violins

How is a violinist like a SCUD missile? Both are offensive and inaccurate.

Why does a violinist have a handkerchief under his chin when he plays? Because there's no spit valve.

What do you do if you're short a violinist? Have a percussionist drag his fingernails across a chalkboard.

What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin? No one minds if you spill beer on a fiddle.

Why should you never drive a roof nail with a violin? You might bend the nail.

What's the difference between a violin and a viola? There is no difference. The violin just looks smaller because the violinist's head is so much bigger. 

Woodwind Top

Bagpipes

Why do bagpipe players march when they play? 1. To try to get away from the sound. 2. It's harder to hit a moving target.

What would you do if you had all the bagpipe players on earth lined up end-to-end to the moon and back? Leave them there.

What does one bagpipe player never say to another? "Hey man, what key's it in?"

Did you know the Irish invented the bagpipes as a joke? The Scots haven't gotten it yet.

Bassoons

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from the bassoon recital.

What are burning oboes used for? To set bassoons on fire.

What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline? 1. Bassoons are more fun to jump on. 2. You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline!

Why don't bassoonists ever catch a cold? Even viruses have pride.

How many bassonists does it take to eat a possum? Two. One to eat, one to watch for traffic.

Clarinets

What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion? Nobody cries when you chop an clarinet into little pieces.

Is there any difference between the sound of a clarinet and that of a cat in heat? Of course there is, but only if the cat's in good health.

Why do clarinetists place their cases on the dashboard? So they can park in handicapped spaces.

How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before finding just the right one.

What do a clarinet and a lawsuit have in common? Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

What's the difference between a clarinet's and a saxophone's hospital use? The saxophone is used to lull crying babies to sleep and the clarinet to wake coma patients.

What's the purpose of the bell on a bass clarinet? Storing the ashes from the rest of the instrument.

What do you call a bass-clarinetist with half a brain? Gifted.

What do you get when you remove half a bass clarinetist's brain? An even more gifted contrabass clarinetist.

How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before finding just the right one.

What's the definition of a nerd? Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.

The clarinet is the only instrument the only thing worse than which is two. - Ambrose Bierce

Flutes

What's the definition of a minor second? Two flutes playing a unison

How many flute players does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but she'll break 10 bulbs before she realizes they can't be pushed in.

How many flutists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but he'll spend $5,000 on a Sterling silver bulb.

How many flute players does it take to change a lightbulb? None -- they will get their boyfriend to do it.

How do you put a sparkle in a flutist's eye? Shine a flashlight in her ear.

What key is the alto flute pitched in? G -- I really don't care, either!!

Piccolos

How do you get two piccolo players to play in unison? Shoot one.

What is the definition of perfect pitch in a piccolo? When you throw it in the toilet and it doesn't hit the rim.

Two musicians were walking down the street and one says to the other, "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?" The other replies, "That was no piccolo, that was my fife."

What's the difference between a piccolo and a dog whistle?

    1. The what between a piccolo and and a dog whistle.
    2. Dog whistles are played by men to attract dogs.
    3. If you have good ears, you can hear a dog whistle.
    4. A dog whistle irritates only one species.
    5. Tuning.
    6. In marching band, the dog whistle is dangerous, while the piccolo is merely useless.
    7. The price.
    8. The value.
    9. People with dog whistles usually know how to play them.
    10. You can't tune a piccolo.

Oboes

How do you get 5 oboes in tune? Shoot 4 of them.

What's the difference between an oboe and an onion? Nobody cries when you chop up an oboe.

What's the definition of a minor second? Two oboes playing in unison.

What do you call an oboist who is deaf? Principal.

How many oboists does it take to change a lightbulb. One, but by the time he gets done shaving the tip, you won't need it.

Did you hear about the successful hunter's secret to attracting so many ducks? He paid an oboe player to go along with him and play.

How do you get an oboist to play A flat? Take the batteries out of his electronic tuner.

An explorer was travelling through the wilds of deepest, darkest Africa with a few native porters and guides. Far off in the distance, he hears drums pounding. Well, the explorer is naturally concerned, so he consults his guides. They reassure him, "There is nothing to worry about. When the drums stop, it's time to worry." This didn't make him feel much better, but he kept going. Gradually the drums got louder and he asked his guide again. "When the drums stop, it's time to worry" was the response he got again. Eventually the drums got so loud, the explorer would have sworn that they were right next to him. Then all of a sudden, they stopped. With a trembling voice, he asked his guide what would happen now. With an equally trembling voice, the guide answered, "oboe solo".

A conductor calls the doctor to find out what to do after the oboist swallows her reed. The doctor replies, "Have you tried muted trumpet?"

What's the difference between an oboe playing in tune and Star Trek? Star Trek could actually happen one day.

What is the definition of a half stop? Two oboes playing in unison.

What is the definition of a major second. Two baroque oboes playing in unison.

Saxophone

What is the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw? It's all in the grip.

What is the difference between a baritone saxophone and a chain saw? The exhaust.

What is the difference between a lawnmower and a soprano sax? You can tune the lawnmower and the owner's neighbors don't mind if you don't return the sax when you borrow it.

What is the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower? Vibrato.

What do a saxophone and baseball have in common? People cheer when you hit them with a bat.

Small wonder we have so much trouble with air pollution in the world when so much of it has passed through saxophones.

If you can play low A on a tenor sax by sticking your foot in the bell, how can you play it on a soprano sax?

As a guy walks thruogh a forest, a fairy suddenly appears and offers him a free wish, whatever it might be. So he takes out a pocket atlas and points towards different continents: "See, here, is suffering, there, is hunger and over there, people are tortured. I want all people to be free and healthy! Can you do that?" The fairy sighs and says: "Well, this is nearly impossible, even for me. Is there a chance that you can come up with another wish instead that would make it a little easier?" The guy answers: "As a matter of fact, there is. See, I play the soprano saxophone, and I have such a hard time with the intonation in the upper register. Do you think you could..." "Okay, okay, let's look at your atlas one more time..."

Why did the lead alto player play so many wrong notes? Because he kept ignoring the key signature -- he thought it was a suggestion.

What's the difference between a lawnmower and a tenor sax? You can tune a lawnmower. And, the neighbors care if you don't return it.

What't the difference between the creationist theory of the origin of life and a tenor sax? The theory doesn't have as many leaks.

How do you make a chainsaw sound like a baritone sax? Add vibrato.

Percussion Top

How can you tell when there is a drummer at your front door? The knocking gets faster.

How do you know if there is a percussionist at the door? The knocking gets slower.

What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians? A drummer.

If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum.

"Excuse me... How late does the band play?" "Oh, about half a beat behind the drummer."

What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test? Drool.

How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb? None. There's machines that can do that now.

Johnny says to his mom: "I want to be a drummer when I grow up." Mom: "But Johnny, you can't do both."

What's the difference between a drummer and an electric drum machine? You only have to punch the information into the machine once.

Did you hear about the bass player who locked his keys in the car? He had to break the window to get the drummer out.

How can you tell a drummer is walking behind you? You can hear his knuckles dragging on the ground.

How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando? Ask him to play in 4/4 at a steady 120 bpm.

What were the drummer's last words? "Hey, guys, check out this song I wrote..."

There once was a timpinist who dreamed that he was playing in "Messiah" and when he woke up he was playing in "Messiah".

What's the most important thing about being a drummer?  Timing.

How do you tell if the stage is level? The drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.

What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend? Homeless.

Why do drummers have a half ounce more brains than horses do? So they don't disgrace themselves during a parade!

A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument. He decides on an accordion and asks to look at some in a music store. The owner gestures to a shelf and says "All our accordions are over there." After browsing the drummer says, "I think I'd like the big red one in the corner." The store owner looks at him and says "You're a drummer, aren't you?" The drummer, crestfallen, says "Yes, how did you know?" The owner says "That 'big red accordion' is the radiator."

Keyboards Top

How can you tell if there is a synthesizer player at your door? You think you hear him knocking but you're not quite sure.

Pianos

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A flat minor.

What do you get when you drop a piano on an Army base? A flat Major.

A note left for a pianist from his wife: Gone Chopin, (have Liszt), Bach in a Minuet.

Why did they say that the pianist had fingers like lightning? They never struck the same place twice.

Why is an 11-foot concert grand better than a studio upright? It makes a louder noise when you drop it off a cliff.

Why was the piano invented? So that the musician would have a place to put his beer.

Organs

How many organists does it take to change a lightbulb? Two. One to change the bulb, and one to complain that the switch doesn't have any combination pistons.

What's better than roses on your piano? Tulips on your organ.

Accordions

An accordion is a bagpipe with pleats.

Why doesn't heaven have a pipe organ? Because they needed the keys in hell to make accordions.

A topless bar tried to have a Polka Night but the accordionist kept getting hurt.

The PLO has taken 90 accordion players hostage, and if their demands aren't met, they'll release one every hour.

What's the difference between an Uzi and an accordion? The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.

Why doesn't heaven have a pipe organ? Because they needed the keys in hell to make accordions.

What's an accordion good for? Learning how to fold a map.

Vocal Top

If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end, it would be a good idea.

How many altos does it take to change a light bulb? None. They can't get up that high.

What is the definition of an octave? An octave can be described as having eight diatonic steps, twelve chromatic steps, or twenty-seven when sung by a tenor.

What is the missing link between the bass and the ape? The baritone.

What is the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a Wagnerian Tenor? About 10 pounds.

How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one; she just holds it in place, and the whole world revolves around her.

How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb? Two. One to change it and one to watch and say, "Don't you think that's a bit high for you, dear?"

How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb? None; she thinks it's the accompanist's job.

How many basses does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They're so macho they prefer to walk in the dark and bang their shins.

Why do school choruses travel so often? Keeps assassins guessing.

What's the difference between a soprano and a Jaguar? Most musicians have never been in a Jaguar.

Why is the soprano standing outside the door? She forgot the key.

What is the difference between a dressmaker and a soprano? The dressmaker tucks up the frills.

How many altos does it take to change a lightbulb? None, because they cannot reach it.

What's the difference between an alto and a tenor? More body hair on the alto.

How do you know that it's the lead singer knocking at your front door? You open the door and he still doesn't know when to come in.

What's the first thing that a female singer does after she gets up in the morning? 1. Puts on her clothes and goes home. 2. Looks for her instrument.

What does a girls band vocalist's mother say to her before she goes out? If you are not in bed by 12pm you have to come home.

What´s the difference between a female lead singer and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.

What is the difference between a soprano and a pirhana? The lipstick.

What is the difference between a soprano and a pit bull terrier? The jewelry.

What is the definition of an alto? A soprano who can read.

How do you put a sparkle in a soprano's eyes? Shine a torch in her ear. 

Conductors Top

What's the difference between a conductor and a stagecoach driver? The stagecoach driver only has to look at four horses' asses.

Why did they bury the conductor 20 feet into the earth? Because deep down he was a nice guy.

What's the difference between a dead conductor in the road and a dead snake in the road? There are skid marks in front of the snake.

Why are conductor's hearts coveted for transplants? They've had so little use.

What's black and brown and looks good on a conductor? A Doberman.

What do you have when a group of conductors who are up to their necks in wet concrete? Not enough concrete.

One of the members of the symphony calls the front office asking for the conductor. The receptionist informs him that the conductor is dead. The next day, he calls again, asking for the conductor. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, the conductor is dead". The musician calls on the next day, again asking for the conductor. The exasperated receptioninst says, "Look, why do you keep calling here? I'm telling you, the conductor is DEAD!! To which, the symphony member calmly replied, "I just really enjoy hearing you say that!".

In the beginning, there were only wind instruments in the orchestra. Then, they noticed that many of the people were too stupid to play wind instruments, so they gave them large boxes with wires strapped across them. These people were known as "strings". Then they noticed that some people were too dumb to play strings, so they were given two sticks and were told to hit whatever they wanted. These people were known as "percussionists". Finally, they noticed that one percussionist was so dumb, he couldn't even do that, so they took away one of his sticks and told him to go stand in front of everybody. And that was the birth of the first conductor.

How many conductors does it take to change a lightbulb? One, but, then again, who's really watching?

What is the difference between a bull and an orchestra? The bull has the horns in front and the ass in back.

What's the difference between a dead conductor in the road and a dead snake in the road? There are skid marks in front of the snake.

What's the difference between a band director and a bag of fertilizer? The bag.

A blind rabbit and a blind snake bump into each other in the forest. The rabbit said, "Watch where you are going. Can't you see that I am blind?" The snake replied. "No. I can't see that you are blind because I am blind myself." Then the rabbit got a brilliant idea. "Why don't we feel each other and guess what the other is?" The snake accepted this proposal and went first. The snake said, "Let's see -- your furry with long ears and a cotton tail - you must be a rabbit." "Very good," said the rabbit. "Now it's my turn. You are cold, slimy, spineless and have no ears. You must be a conductor."

Did you hear about the plane load of conductors en route to a festival? The good news, it crashed. The bad news, there were three empty seats.

What is the difference between God and a conductor? God knows he's not a conductor.

What is the definition of an assistant conductor? A mouse trying to become a rat.

What is the difference between alto clef and Greek. Some conductors actually read Greek. 

Music Genres Top

Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.

How many bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to screw it in, and one to complain that it's electrified.

How many folk musicians does it take to change a light bulb? Seven; one to change and the other six to sing about how good the old one was.

How many punk rocker does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead.

Why did the punk rocker cross the road? Because he stapled himself to the chicken.

What happens when you play a country record backwards? 1. You get out of prison. 2. Your wife comes back to you. 3. Your pickup truck is returned. 4. Your dog comes back to life.

How many country & western singers does it take to change a lightbulb? Three. One to change the bulb and two to sing about the old one.

What does it say on a blues singer's tombstone? "Well... I didn't wake up this mornin'..."

How many jazz musicians does it take to change a lightbulb? 1. None. Jazz musicians can't afford lightbulbs. 2. "Don't worry about the changes. We'll fake it!"

What does New Age music sound like when played backwards? New Age music.

Definitions of some musical styles

JAZZ -- Five men on the same stage all playing different tunes.

BLUES -- Played exclusively by people who woke up this morning.

WORLD MUSIC -- A dozen different types of percussion all going at once.

OPERA -- People singing when they should be talking.

RAP -- People talking when they should be singing.

CLASSICAL -- Discover the other 45 minutes they left out of the TV ad.

FOLK -- Endless songs about shipwrecks in the 19th century.

BIG BAND -- 20 men who take it in turns to stand up plus a drummer.

HEAVY METAL -- Codpiece and chaps

HOUSE MUSIC -- OK as long as it's not the house next door.  

Generic Jokes Top

At the *, simply insert instrument of choice. For maximum effect, try "banjo", "accordion", "bagpipes", "bassoon", "trombone" and the like. If one doesn't work in that particular joke, another will.

A fellow walks into a bar with his alligator and asks the bartender, "Do you serve * players here?" "Sure do", replies the bartender. "Great. Give me a beer, and I'll have a * player for my gator."

I recently was told I needed surgery on my hand, and I asked the doctor if after surgery I would be able to play the * . "I'm operating on your hand, not giving you a lobotomy!"

"Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the * after the operation?" "Yes, of course..." Great! I never could before!"

There's nothing I like better than the sound of a * , unless of course it's the sound of a chicken caught in a vacuum cleaner.

Did you hear about the * player who was so out of tune his section noticed?

If you took all the * s in the world and laid them end-to-end...it would be a good idea.

After you've played the * long enough people will pay you to play; however, your neighbors will pay you to stop.

Playing the * is a lot like throwing a javelin blindfolded - you don't have to be very good at it to get people's attention.

A * player was hiking in the mountains, and he came upon a shepherd who was tending a large herd of sheep that were grazing in the alpine meadow. The * player took a fancy to the sheep, and asked the shepherd: "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?" The shepherd thought this was an odd request, but thought that there was little chance that the man would guess the exact number of sheep, so he said "Sure." The * player guessed "You have 287 sheep," to the shepherd's astonishment, since this was exactly how many sheep he had. The * player got all excited and asked "Can I pick out my sheep now?" and the shepherd grudgingly gave his permission. The * player selected his sheep, bent over, and swung the sheep over his shoulders, to carry home with him. The shepherd then asked "If I guess what your occupation is, can I have my sheep back?" The * player was a bit surprised by this, but figured that it was unlikely that the shepherd would be able to guess his occupation, and went along with the deal. The shepherd then guessed "You're a * player, aren't you?" The * player was very surprised and asked, "How did you know?" The shepherd responded, "Put the dog down and we'll talk about it."  

General Music Topics Top

What do you call a guy who dies and goes to heaven but has to enter through the kitchen? A musician.

Two men were at a bar and one said, " Hey, I had my IQ checked and it was 175, The other responded " That's a coincidence so is mine, what do you do for a living?" " I'm a physicist." was the reply. Again came "that's a coincidence so am I." This was overheard at a nearby table and these two compared IQ's at 160 and were surprised that they were both brain surgeons. At another nearby table one man despondently said to the other "Did you hear that? I had my IQ checked and it was only 52." The other said, rather enthusiastically, "That's a coincidence. So is mine. What instrument do you play????"

What's the difference between a musician and a mutual fund? The mutual fund eventually matures and earns money.

What's the difference between a musician and a mutual fund? The mutual fund eventually matures and earns money.

Knock, knock. Who's there? Knock, knock. Who's there? Knock, knock. Who's there? Phillip Glass.

What did they find when they dug up Beethoven's grave? He was decomposing.

Why did Mozart kill his chickens? Because they always ran around going "Bach! Bach! Bach!"

Why was the music theorist drunk? He tried to use a fifth with his tonic.

What do you get if you run over an army officer with a steam roller? A flat major.

Music is the only sensual pleasure without vice.

After silence, music comes closest to expressing the inexpressible.

Do you know how many musicians it takes to screw in a light bulb? No, but hum a few bars and I'll play it.

Wagner is the Puccini of music.

Wagner's music has beautiful moments but some bad quarters of an hour.

How many music critics does it take to change a lightbulb? Music critics don't know how, but rest assured they'll find something wrong with the way you do it.

How many sound men does it take to change a lightbulb? One, two, three, one, two, three.

How many record producers does it take to change a lightbulb? Two, one to tell the engineer to do it, the other to say "I don't know, what do you think?"

One day the musicians for a rather large recording session were assembling at a studio. Everyone had ther headphones on, the session was close to getting underway and the producer of the session came over the talkback system and said "Okay I need to have total silence! Just then the drummer on the session played a big Barumdum Crash! To which the record producer replied, "Okay who did that?"

Know how to make a million dollars singing jazz? Start with two million.

The five stages of a musician's life:
Who is name?
Get me name.
Get me someone who sounds like name.
Get me a young name.
Who is name?

Richard Wagner's music is better than it sounds. - Mark Twain

A critic is like a eunuch - he knows exactly how it ought to be done.

A bluegrass band is on their way back from a gig South of the border when they get arrested for playing a banjo after dark. The judge quickly sentences them to death. At dawn the next morning the band finds themselves looking at the business end of a firing squad.
"Ready, Aim,..."
"Earthquake!" yells the guitar player which distracts the guards long enough so he can jump over the wall to freedom.
"Ready, Aim,..."
"Flood!" yells the mandolin player who jumps over the wall to freedom.
Now the banjo player is starting to catch on.
"Ready, Aim,..."
"Fire!" yells the banjo player as loud as he can.......

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